"And now a madman on the prowl outside, with eels"

I fear that I may be in grave danger.  That there may, at this very moment, be a crazed stalker on the loose outside the house.

He arrived earlier, at approximately 1230 hours, and drew up his car in front of the drive.  I, for insignificant reasons, was already loitering at the window like some mad cat lady, and I poked out one eye to get a better look at the fucker who had the audacity to block my driveway, which is impertinent, even if I do not own a car.  Now the gentleman in question owns quite a distinctive-looking vehicle, but as I failed to spy his face I didn't put two-and-two together until he drove off about five minutes later.  You see the fellow's vehicle is also quite distinctive-sounding, and when this pulled away it was nothing short of deafening.  He had not exited the car, no one had approached him, the engine was never switched off.  I can therefore only assume that it was Him, probably come to kill me.

I have inevitably spent the rest of the day in a hysterical panic lest he reappears.  I thought about phoning the police, but as I didn't get a look at his face and my two-and-two may well have made pi, I thought it unlikely they would take me seriously.  The car has not yet put in another appearance, but earlier I caught a glimpse of an enormous shadow at the top of the road, and deduced that he must have come on foot.  I have since lost sight of the shadow, but that does nothing to allay my fears, and instead only confirms that he must have concealed himself in the lavender at the front of the garden.

I thought I had done little to anger the fellow.  We had one sexual encounter and I thereafter informed him that I was no longer interested as I had met a very charming lady who I wished to see again.  I didn't even mention that I had really only slept with him in the first place because he scared the knickers off me.  He did appear disappointed at the time, but expressed no wish to kill me, and I have not heard from him since.  Perhaps the idea has been festering in his mind and he now thinks that enough time has passed to brutally murder me without being considered a suspect.  I did wonder if he planned to continue his dark work without my consent, and had in fact turned up with the express intention of raping me, but then he would likely kill me after anyway just to shut me up.  He is very large, and as I have a build akin to a stick of celery, I fear I would not be able to fend him off unless I simply deafened him with my girlish shrieks.

So if you hear on the news that a man matching my description has been found in bits all over Reading town, please do inform the police that it was the man from the bar.

Boom.  Reference.